Chapter II November, 1998…
"Edie, we've decided to host the International Salsaweb Convention in April this year. I will fly you to DC on my birthday so we can start planning it." Ricardo said to me over the phone in December. "Cool!" I thought to myself. "Sounds great!" I knew that at least I'd get to see you in DC, during the same week you would have visited me in LA.
Ricardo picked me up at the airport, took me to the hotel, which was booked with a line a block long with weary travelers having to stay the night due to the heavy ice storm that evening. We were supposed to have a meeting, but everyone wanted to meet at a nightclub that night called the Eleventh Hour. I was very upset because I knew nothing would get done if we met at a club. I went along with it, only because I knew I could track down Benjamin Rapoport, my stealth business partner there.
I arrived at the Eleventh Hour nightclub, pissed off, and late. I didn't want to be there. I didn't feel like dancing. When the doorman didn’t let me in because of my tennis shoes, I got even more upset. "Does he realize that I advertise his club FOR FREE in our magazine? Doesn’t he realize how much BUSINESS I bring them?" I thought to myself. I usually don’t think like this, but that night I was fuming, and I did.
My plane was two hours late, I lost an entire day, I just wanted to get to our meeting and be done with it. Major business decisions had to be made, and time was running out.
I saw you. You smiled.
I smiled back in a hurry, but I was so busy... the only thing I wanted was to spend a little time with you. I just wanted to spend a little time with you, and try to make up for flaking on you in LA. I asked you to dance. You accepted with a smile, and an outstretched hand. I took it and you led me to the dance floor. It was nice to dance a bit, but I didn't really feel the physical connection with you like I did back in October. My mind was still engrossed in my work, my meeting, my business... I just couldn't get into you.
Then, Benjamin, my business partner, dragged me on the dance floor. It was good to dance with him again. It had been so long. We danced on two. He’s got such a great lead. I missed him. I was not dressed to be dancing (I was wearing sweats, no makeup, my hair was a mess...)
From the corner of my eye, I noticed you… noticing me.
I was wondering what you were thinking of. "Is he evaluating how I dance....? Great." I thought to myself sarcastically. I danced on. You were still watching me. I started getting nervous. "Maybe he thinks I suck as a dancer and I'm not the one, maybe he thinks his decision was a mistake, and will make up any excuse to get out of this… 'uh Edie… thanks anyway'." I thought to myself. I was so intimidated by you.
After the song was over, I looked for you. You disappeared someplace. Elba grabbed my arm and started introducing me to everyone in the place. More work had to be done, I got distracted, and ...
You vanished.
I didn't see you until it was time to go. I looked at you, happy to see you, smiled, but in a rush… " I have this meeting… I can’t get out of it… I've got to go to now." Again, you were so understanding, so peaceful, so calm. I noticed your smile, and sincerity.
Your eyes.
I then completely forgot about you.
Chapter III
We went to Lulu's nightclub the next night to celebrate Ricardo's birthday.
You showed up… very late.
My face lit up like a Christmas tree when I saw you! I was so happy to see you. I was finally free! Free from the meetings, the people, the business… I just wanted to dance with you so badly. I decided right then and there, to get over my lack of confidence dancing with you. "Screw it. I’m just going to have fun with this guy… and see what he’s made of."
I asked you to dance. We clicked, and man, did we click. We found it again. I’ve realized that my attitude makes all the difference in the world. It's where "my head" is at prior that screws me up. I can't connect on the dance floor when I'm thinking about work. And when my work involves nightclubs, meeting people, rubbing shoulders and making deals, it's sometimes tough to completely switch that part of my brain off, and focus on just "dancing" and having a good time. This is DEFINITELY something I have to work on.
There was no room to dance. I wanted SPACE to dance with you. I took you upstairs to find space, but there was none, to no avail. I wanted to bust loose all over you, but felt so RESTRICTED. How frustrating. To make up for it, I wanted to just "be close" to you.
Just be close.... to you…
We took a small break on the steps. I sat down, you remained standing, right over me. I purposely nudged your knee with my shoulder... I longed to be so close to you, and I don't know why. You felt so good to be around. I felt so close to you, so relaxed and comfortable... like I could hug you, and hold you, and you would immediately respond with open arms and a smile. I knew you would respond, but didn’t dare try. That’s how close I felt with you. You looked directly into my eyes, you responded to my every move… you then lead and touched my hands on the dance floor like you’ve known and understood me for years…
We had a blast the whole night. I loved watching you and your partner’s cha cha performance. At last I got a chance to see how you played with the rhythm and different beats of the music….and your style, smile, chivalry, and attitude on the dance floor. You were incredible.
You know Raul, things work out for a reason. You told me you were shy and observant when you first meet people, and if that was the case, if you would have flown to LA, you may have been intimidated, and shy. Your true colors would not have sparkled so well over there. I would not have seen the HAM you really are. I would have probably been turned off by your shy attitude (I love a confident man). You would have also been intimidated by how much I work at home. It probably would have never worked out.
By my coming to DC, I was able to see you "on your own turf" with your own attitude, confidence, and cockiness, all over the place. I loved it. I saw how well you interacted with your friends, how much everyone loves and respects you, how dedicated you are, and how genuine of a person you are as well.
After the night was over, I wanted to go to breakfast with everyone... I wanted to ride and spend more time with you. I was very curious as to why on earth you would want me as your dance partner, with all the training and background you've had. You could have "your pick" at whomever you wanted in the Ballroom or Swing world. "I love Salsa." You said. "My passion, and heart is with Salsa."
We went to get something to eat at Padrino’s . They were playing Merengue and Salsa. A Marc Anthony song came on. You sat down, took a small bite from your food, looked at it, then said, "I can't eat this... I'm not hungry". I was thinking, "OK, then why did he order it then?" I was hungry, so I finished off my grilled cheese sandwich.
During our "breakfast, we talked and talked, and finally, I got around to saying, "You know what Raul, let me tell you something. You're a great dancer. You're a dance instructor. You're good looking, and you're sexy.
You know what that spells?
"P L A Y E R."
You looked down, smiled shyly, shook your head, and looked the other way in disbelief.
I looked at you intensely for a second, looking for a response… ANY RESPONSE.
I got nothing. Not a word from you. Nothing. Just a small smile.
"Great." I thought to myself. "We’ll just have to see then." I just gave a big sigh.
"Want to practice tomorrow morning?" I asked. "OK. What time, and where?" you responded. My hotel room was really the only thing I had to offer. It had a living room area where we could clear out the chairs and make room to practice. "Want to spend the night? We'll practice in the morning?" I asked... boldly. "OK.". You answered.
I smiled.
I can’t believe I asked you to spend the night with me my first night in DC. God. I guess I just felt so damn comfortable with you, that it would be like having my best friend "sleep over".
We got to the hotel, watched the Salsa Brava performance videotape, and went to sleep. You slept CLEAR over on the other side of the bed. "I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I didn't want to be branded as a PLAYER." You told me later on that week.
I’m glad you didn’t.
I fell to sleep right away. I was out like a light within seconds. You, on the other hand, found "sleeping" one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done in your life that night.
We got up the next morning, took very separate showers, and practiced for about two hours. I showed you as many moves as I knew off the top of my head, and could not believe how quickly you picked up everything! It was an absolute DREAM teaching you. You didn't argue, you didn't question, you just "DID" everything I showed you. You focused like a laser beam, and you executed every move I taught you with the perfection and sharpness of a razor. It was quite unbelievable. My respect for you shot right through the ceiling. First, for not trying anything our first "night" together, and second, for being such an amazing dancer, partner, instructor, and student.
Later, we went to the mall to get my shoe repaired, and something to eat. Again, you barely ate anything. I was starting to "not be hungry" either, but I ate anyway, because I knew I had long evening ahead of me. While my shoe was getting repaired, I asked if you didn’t mind practicing in a relatively empty hallway we found the mall. I was wearing tennis shoes, but found that because of the excellent way you were leading me, I could spin and do all the moves we practiced just beautifully without dance shoes.
We practiced for about an hour in the hallway of the mall, with people passing by, singing "La Bamba" to us. You were so much fun! I asked you to dip me in front of the elevator, and you just did it, no questions asked. "THAT'S what I want in a dance partner." I thought to myself. I need someone that would put me into a move or a spin or small exhibition right in the middle of a mall, restaurant, or movie theatre, and not even bat an eyelash.
What a thrill you were. How flexible your mind worked. What a show-off...! I just loved working with you, dancing with you, and being with you.
We were driving in your car, and had the most wonderful conversations about the types of music we both loved. "Salsa, Latin, Classical, and 80’s stuff". We discovered that we loved the IDENTICLE types of music. You put on my favorite "Art of Noise" CD. I told you that once we consummated our relationship, and made love for the first time, it would be to that Art of Noise song. You said very calmly, straight faced, and without hesitation, "OK, I can make a long version mini-disk of this song, and make it last two hours."
It was all I could do to hold in my excitement and hide laughing out loud in complete embarrassment. "I can’t believe I just said that!" I thought to myself. All I could do was blush, smile … look down and away out the window. God only knows what you were thinking. We hadn’t even kissed each other yet, … yet we knew the consummation of our relationship would happen. It was so natural that it just would.
We decided that day, we would become dance partners, you would quit your job, and move to Los Angeles with me. This was only the second day we were together.
I knew I didn’t have a whole lot of time in DC that week. I was going to be staying with Sammy and his family, and realized we wouldn’t be able to spend too much time together. I didn’t have any transportation, and you lived so far from Sammy’s house. At the time, I didn’t know where you lived. "Raul, would you mind staying with me every night I’m here? I want us to spend as much time together as we can, so we can really get to know each other before I have to go back. Is that OK with you?"
You didn’t even bat an eyelash.
"OK". You responded.
I couldn’t believe how accommodating and easy going you were. Again, I couldn’t believe I just asked you to spend every day AND NIGHT with me. We just seemed to connect so well, so immediately, so thoroughly, so perfectly, so quickly.
I just smiled to myself, contently happy that you didn’t mind one bit.
It was Saturday night. We went to Fellini's nightclub. There, still a little cold and unrehearsed, we practiced our moves that we were working on in the hotel and mall that morning. A small crowd had gathered around us, and watched on as we executed our new moves. Everything was going fine, until we decided to do "The Puente" move, which is a rather difficult move, especially when unrehearsed. We started it, I grabbed your back, and suddenly something happened, and we lost balance. We both fell, tumbling to the floor, in front of about 200 astonished onlookers. It almost felt like a slow-motion move. I started laughing, and agreed with you to quickly to do it again. I was delighted that a bad fall like that didn’t phase your ego one bit. I was EVEN MORE AMAZED that you wanted to do the move again right away. That was the COOLEST thing for me. Most guys would leave the room in embarrassment. You simply helped me up, asked if I was OK, brushed yourself off a bit, bowed to the audience with a big smile, and did the move again, this time, executed perfectly.
Afterward, I could tell you felt really bad. At that moment in time, I wished I could get a movie camera and show you, how many times I've been dropped on the dance floor by various partners. It was no big deal to me, but I could understand how embarrassed you were. We closed the place down that night, and went home to Sammy’s house to sleep.
That night, we took our very separate showers again and climbed into bed. This time I was just so ready to hold you, and love you. I wanted to please you so badly. I wanted to give you a foot rub… well I attempted, but you kept laughing. Then I wanted to give you a body or back rub, but you wouldn’t let me. So, we just held each other.
You held me, then kissed me for the very first time. It was the most beautiful, most wonderful kiss in the world Your lips, so soft, so precious, your mouth and tongue… so… PERFECT. A perfect kiss, like none I’ve ever had before. You had the most perfect KISS! I was jumping for joy in my brain… "….AND… he can KISS!" I thought to myself! WOW! That means a lot Raul. BIG TIME. A man that can kiss, and kiss WELL is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT for me. And baby, you got it goin’ on! . We just held each other the whole night. It was beautiful.
Later on that night you came to Ricardo's house and we all went to Coco Loco's. There, we danced, and danced, and danced. I clicked with you so well there. For the first time in my life, I witnessed a "body slammer" shot game. It was the brain child of Ricardo and Elba. You were my partner... I was a bit embarrassed to be licking salt off your NECK, and grabbing a lemon from out of your MOUTH... in front of everyone, but then I figured, "What the heck. This guy is about to be my dance and life partner, so... OK. Why not. We’ve got to stop being so embarrassed about these types of things! Get a grip Edie! Face it… he’s the ONE!!"
THEN, they did the slammer where I had to lick your stomach with the salt, and AGAIN grab the lemon out of your mouth. OH BROTHER!! That was it. Now the ENTIRE CLUB knew something was going on between you and I.
I was not at all used to this. I normally don't show affection TO ANYONE at nightclubs, and this took the cake. This was a first-time for me EVER, to show some type of affection, in front of EVERYONE, this blatantly... at a nightclub. Now the word was out. All over DC people started "talking".
"What’s this I hear about the Salsa FREAK and Raul?"
"WHAT?" "Our Raul?????"
"Our very own RAUL??? No way... you’ve got to be kidding!"
I couldn't wait to get home, and hold you again. We stayed at Ricardo's this time, and just held and kissed each other all night. We were in the "retarded phase". You were making me laugh and laugh with your "ways", your stupid jokes, and just the way you were… naturally!! I almost peed my pants you were making me laugh so hard. It was awesome.
"Edie, I can’t believe I’m whipped and I haven’t even gotten any yet! We are going to get along so well… I can just feel it!" You kept saying. You were expressing and saying everything I was feeling. You just kept beating me to the punch line! I would think the words, and then the minute I wanted to say them, you would say them… sometimes I started to wonder whether you were reading my mind!
Later on that night, you asked, "Edie, what are you doing the next 40 years of your life?"
I didn’t verbalize it, but in my heart,
when I heard you say those words,
my commitment to you was so very strong, and forever.
This is what I wrote to Elba in an email the next day...
"Elba,
Raul couldn't sleep again last night. He was cracking jokes, and making me laugh for hours. I hope to God we didn't keep anyone up. I was busting up so much, trying to be quiet, I almost had tears in my eyes...
I can't believe how COMFORTABLE I feel around him! I can't believe how I just "know" that "he's the one". HE IS "IT" Elba. Bar none. I've NEVER felt this great about a guy before.
NEVER IN MY LIFE.
He makes me feel so good, warm, happy, and I can completely be myself around him. Corny as it may be, but he said to me last night in a very serious voice..."Edie, what are you doing the next 40 years of your life?"
Elba, between you and me, I think I'm falling very, very hard for him. He is such a CRACK UP. He is an absolute RIOT!!! I can be myself, and IT'S OK TO BE / ACT STUPID AROUND HIM... We were acting so stupid around each other last night, I felt like I was in the THIRD GRADE ELBA!!! This is insane.
He told me last night, "Edie, we're in the 'RETARDED stage right now..."
I died laughing...
I swear, he was telling me, "Edie, I can't believe that I can talk to you like a guy. You are so COOL."
He goes, "I can't believe how into you I am right now. Edie, I'm whipped, and I haven't even got any yet!"
I was in hysterics.
I felt drunk all night. I have never been so happy in all my life Elba. I feel like crying. In fact, I'm crying right now. Oh my God.
I'm writing a diary of events from the day we met. This should be pretty cool for the website, or for my book. Whichever is first. You can show him this some day. I'm sure he won't mind.
Love you, and thank you so much for introducing us.
You're the best...
- Edie"
That night, I saw you at the Lucky Bar. You looked so good to me. I was so delighted to see you. We had a little performance to do that night, and we went over our moves in the kitchen. I was just so happy to see you. We clicked during our performance that evening, even though we really didn't even warm up! That was our very first performance. We didn't plan a beginning of the song, and you didn't place me in something dramatic like a dip at the end of the song... in fact, we missed quite a few hits of Celia Cruz' Bembe Le Qua song. We didn’t plan an entrance, nor finale… no time to rehearse… we JUST MET!!!
So there was no beginning, and no end to that performance.
Just like our relationship feels right now.
I feel like I've known you for so long, as if there was no beginning... and there will be no end...
We made love again that night. You were amazing.
On Tuesday night, we went to Lulu's, where Ricardo was the instructor and DJ. You told me you thought I had changed my mind about "us" by the way I was acting. My mind was on work, I was tired, and couldn't get "in the mood" for a while. You took me away to the dance floor, and got me back into it after about the 3rd song. The combination of you, and a great Salsa or two is all it takes for me to "forget about life" for a while.
That night, we both decided to be 100% committed to each other. I thought you probably needed to "sew your oates" a bit before you made the move to LA, but you said you didn't need to. It was time for you to settle down, and you didn't want to risk losing me.
On Wednesday, I had a women's styling workshop at Club Diversity. You didn't know about it, until your sister had mentioned to you to "apologize for not being able to attend." I would have never have seen you that night if it wasn't for her. I wanted to tell you I loved you, so badly, but based on certain rules I have set for myself, I knew I couldn't.
On Thursday, we went to the 11th Hour nightclub to dance. I got there relatively early, and couldn't wait for you to show up. I kept looking for you, and looking for you... you showed up so late (to me). A swing song had come on when I finally saw you. You were dancing with you sister, and you two looked SO GOOD together. I also saw you do a cha cha with someone, and was DETERMINED to get better at other dances so I could keep up with you. I just don't want to disappoint you. I am so self conscious about the way I dance sometimes. I truly want to be an "overall" dancer, but realize it's going to take some time. A LOT of time. Being the owner of an international corporation, I have a very hectic schedule. I've realized that the only way I could possibly learn all the dances, and learn them WELL, is if I trained full time, or hired an instructor who would live close by me to train me. I could not afford this. It would be IDEAL if my instructor was my dance partner, my lover, and my friend, who could write, make site updates, and help me with Salsaweb as well.
My IDEAL partner, would be a well-trained overall dance/ballroom instructor who could dance on the one, two, three or four, be my best friend, my travel companion, and not be afraid to write for Salsaweb on occasion. He would also need to be Latino, bilingual (so he could teach me Spanish) good-looking, like the same music as me, not be afraid of working hard, a go-getter, super aggressive, taller than me, have an incredible sense of humor, be a ham, a show-off, macho-type, chivalrous, a crack up "riot", and most importantly, be able to make me laugh. I refused to just "settle" for someone. I wanted all the above, and I wasn’t going to stop searching until I found what I wanted in a man.
Guess what Raul? YOU MATCH ALL THE CRITERIA ABOVE.
Chapter IV
"Edie, get beautiful. I want to introduce you to my mom tonight."
TALK ABOUT PRESSURE.
You arrived at Ricardo’s. You were early…. or maybe I was just running late. I had just finished a meeting with our new Salsaweb music department. I was in the middle of "business" again, and couldn’t get into "a date with Raul" mode. Elba had loaned me a beautiful dress of hers to wear. I really couldn’t wait to meet your mom. I told you earlier in the week that I wanted her to teach me how to cook so when you were in LA, you could experience your mom’s "home cooking" and not get homesick too soon.
I was a little nervous about meeting your mom. I was also real excited to meet the woman that created you. I wanted to thank her! "Thank you for creating Raul…"
Naaah. Better not say that. She may think I’m strange (I don’t want her to know the TRUTH too soon!). I’ll just "appreciate" her, and ask her to teach me how to cook what you like.
When you were waiting for me, I asked you to not come in yet. I wanted to be beautiful for you first. I tried, and tried. … oh brother. It takes a lot to get beautiful sometimes. I was tired from so much work, and meetings… I just figured, "Oh well. I guess this is as ‘beautiful’ as I’m going to get."
Your eyes lit up when you saw me. So did mine when I saw you. Like an energy charge into my body, you said to the whole room of people in the house, "Wow, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!!! Doesn’t she look beautiful? She’s beautiful!" Everyone in the room agreed.
Oh brother. I’m not at all used to flattery, and get all squirmish receiving it.
,
I smiled, looked down, blushed, and didn’t really know what to say, or how to take all this. "He’s such a liar" I thought to myself… again, ZERO confidence in the beauty arena.
We had a wonderful evening meeting your mom, and dancing at Chelsie’s that night. I just LOVE dancing with you!!!
After the club that night, we stopped at 7-11 to get something to drink. "My mom likes you." You said. "Oh yea? How do you know?" I responded. "I can tell. I just know it. Every other girl I’ve introduced her to, she’s had something bad to say about them. With you, nothing bad to say. I figure it’s a good thing."
We continued talking about how we felt towards each other (you were doing most of the talking), and suddenly, out of the blue, you said, "Edie, you know I love you, right?"
Silence.
"Edie, I love you. You know that already, right…? I just wanted to tell you, and for you to know that." I looked down and away, then back at you, and smiled. You started the car, drove a few blocks, and I said to you, "I love you too Raul."
Chapter IV
January 30th, 1999, New York City….
My eyes lit up when I saw you at Manny’s door on that cold day, Saturday night January 30th in New York. I was so happy to see you. Addie Diaz was just leaving to go out, when she met you for the first time. You put up your suitcase, and immediately we laid down on the couch together. Still in your coat, we held each other for so long.
Suddenly, you looked at me and said, "I was talking to Ricardo about where we should get married, in LA or DC… where do you think?"
I thought about it for a brief second and replied, "Well, you haven’t asked me yet."
Silence.
A thousand thoughts were racing through your mind. I could tell. It was the longest pause I’ve ever felt from you. Your big brown eyes just kept staring at me for what seemed an eternity. I knew what you were thinking. "Is this the right time? I don’t want to ask her now… here… I love her… she’s the one, but … here? On Manny’s couch?"
"Edie…."
…long pause…
"… will you marry me?"
I smiled REAL BIG, looked into your eyes for a few seconds…
"Yes, Raul, I will marry you." I replied to you softly.
"You will? Wow! This is so great! …YOU WILL!!! I’ve never asked anyone to marry me before! This is great!"
I was so thrilled, excited, happy, and feeling EVERYTHING that you were feeling…. The tingling, the warmth, the security, the love… just everything. I can only put into words now what I was feeling then, because then, I could not describe the ABSOLUTE LOVE I had in my heart for you.
Chapter V Later that evening…
We got dressed up, and went out to a Mambo birthday party at a photography studio.
"You’ve got a nice style there son, but you know, this is a "Two" crowd…" a gentleman had said to you after we got done dancing. "Well thank you for the compliments, but that’s just my style, and the way I enjoy dancing." You replied. I admired you so much for sticking to your beliefs, and not letting his "two" attitude get to you. I made my first announcement that night about the International Salsaweb Convention, and the Eddie Torres Lifetime Achievement Award. You looked so good dancing with everyone, and felt so good when I danced with you. I wanted every woman in the ROOM to dance with you, just so they could "experience" your feel, the way I had. I wanted to share the joy you gave me with everyone there!!! I felt sorry for every woman in the whole world because they didn’t get that chance to experience your lead.
The next day, (Sunday), we went on an excursion to the top of the World Trade Center. We ate breakfast with Maddy and Addie first, got acquainted, laughed and talked, and headed off for the rest of the day. We had a FABULOUS time there, just dinking around, taking pictures, laughing, dancing, and freezing our butts off. I was so happy, I didn’t even realize the time going by, or the commitments I had, or my job, or my life, or anything… just "you".
I completely forgot about commitments, time, schedules… "reality" wasn’t important to me. I didn’t care. All I cared about was you in my life and my entity evolving around you. I was so in love, and raptured all in you… I was all about you…
Chapter IV Reading each other’s minds
We had realized in Washington DC we were starting to read each other’s minds. We were starting to order the same food, thinking alike, saying things that the other was thinking, knowing what the other one wanted, exactly… "You know, I think we’ve become so close that if something were to happen to you, I would feel it." You told me that you knew I was going to say that the minute that you started your sentence. "Let’s practice trying to finish each other’s sentences".
February 12, 1999 - DC to New York - Our first bus ride together…
The bus ride to New York lasted a bit longer than usual. It was a Friday, pouring rain, and we were late. We had an intense conversation the entire way. It went from my not "believing" you about certain woman you were with just before we met. You were so hurt that I didn’t trust you yet. I did trust you, but still had to get that "timing" thing clear in my mind. I should have never brought it up, but in retrospect, we both realized that it brought us even closer together. I likened love to a growing callus or muscle that is strengthened. The fibers must be ripped before it gets stronger. Like pruning a tree… tearing off the dead leaves and cutting back the branches helps the tree to grow and flourish, which is what happened on that bus. It was the most powerful conversation we’d ever had to this point, and the most wonderful bus ride I’ve ever had in my life….
El Campanello - Our first performance together…
We arrived at the club about an hour late. You looked incredible in your tuxedo. All eyes were on this "mystery man" named Raul Santiago who was now "The FREAK’s new dance partner".
"And now ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce, Edie, the Salsa FREAK and her beautiful partner… I mean, her partner, Raul." Everyone cracked up – myself included. We had a great performance with Dellile and Glenda. They danced first, on "Two", and then we danced on "One" to A la hora que me llamen voy. Then all four of us danced together. You were such a "comedian"…. More like the true "ham" you are. The audience loved you.
We were so tired we didn’t make love that night. I just loved holding you, and loving you. The next morning we got dressed and performed at the Diamante show. We both had a vision of where we wanted to eat. "All dressed up and no where to go…" Let’s have lunch… a nice romantic lunch someplace. Planet Hollywood didn’t cut it. We found a packed café that served great food. I started telling you about my family. I don’t know why, it just happened. You learned a great deal about my past, something that I was hoping either to never tell you, or would come out eventually some day. It just ALL CAME OUT… you are such an incredible listener.
Later, we met up with the Congress people and all the Salsaweb partners. I saw you there in your beautiful tuxedo shirt, pants, and awesome black blazer. You looked so handsome. I couldn’t stop looking at you. You had your glasses on. Those things turn me on like you would not believe. You look like some stockbroker, or high-powered attorney or something.
We were completely INSPIRED by the Eddie Torres Dance Company at Jimmy’s Bronx café on Saturday the 13th of February. Tito Puente was there that night. Ricardo and Elba were there to hopefully talk to him and give him is official invitation to come to Washington DC to present the award to Mr. Eddie Torres. The dancers were incredible, the music amazing, and your dancing, exquisite. I couldn’t believe how fast you picked up the New York moves just from simply "watching" them practice downstairs. The VERY FIRST TIME you attempted the multiple NY spin, YOU GOT IT. Oh My God. I couldn’t believe it. You have a photographic memory. You can apply ANYTHING you’ve seen to dancing, and BOOM, it’s perfect. Wow.
We continued to practice more Mambo moves at Manny’s house later that evening. Your technical perfection was completely turning me on. I was so impressed with your intensity – equivalent to mine in every way. I wanted to push myself to keep up with you, to match your level of expertise, without realizing that the more perfect I wanted myself to be, the more perfect you were becoming right along side of me. The perfection kept building to a feverish pace. Every time I asked to to "tweak" a move to the slightest position or split second of timing, you understood perfectly. You executed the "improvement" like the edge of razor blade. A feeling of lighting kept running through my heart and into my lungs with every breath and feeling of each move you were placing me in. Perfect, and more perfect. I had no idea that I was pushing you, only because I was pushing myself… which later I realized was you… myself being you.
New York City…. February 14th, 6:00am
Becoming a butterfly.
What an incredible feeling it must be for a caterpiller to wake up one day from its cacoon and want to stretch its arms, only to realize that its arms have become beautiful wings. The feeling it must have, realizing it could fly must be so incredibly intense. What an awesome discovery of yourself. I’ll bet the caterpiller doesn’t even realize that it will soon become a beautiful butterfly. The course of nature just took over, and it just naturally happened, without fighting it. That’s what I felt with you last night.
"I don’t know where you end… and I begin…" you said softly as I woke up embraced in your body, legs and arms wrapped around each other, fitting so beautifully together, like two puzzle pieces.
Beyond Love
Raul and I are discovering that we have an extraordinary relationship – unlike any I’ve ever had, much less ever heard about. When two people are together for long periods of time, they usually start thinking and almost acting alike. We have that, but noticed it just days after we first met. We would finish each other’s sentences, say things the other was thinking, order identical things off the menu, switch the radio stations to the exact songs we both love, and literally know what the other is thinking simply by a mere glance.
What is phenomenal is the closeness we share. The closeness goes beyond love, if there is such a thing. The best way to describe it, with words as my only limitation, is the bond that only a mother and child possess. Sometimes I’ll look at Raul, and feel I’m looking into a mirror. A friend of mine once commented, "Edie, when I dance with Raul, I feel like I’m dancing with the male version of you."
Our energy and spirituality is identical in every way. I feel as though we’re spiritual twins in a sense… true soulmates. People "say" that they’re soulmates with their partners, and I’ve even said it in the past. But it was just "words". This time, the feeling is quite different, and profound. Apart from being soulmates, the things we have in common is frightening. Here is just a partial list, and each day, it continues to grow…
- Both of our mothers are Latina
- Both of our mothers are nurses
- Both of our mothers have a tea cup collection
- Both of our mothers came from a family of twelve
- Both of our mothers have two children, a boy, and a girl
- Both our mothers have the sweetest and kindest personalities
- We’re both the "oldest" of both siblings
- We’re both musicians
- We both love to dance
- Our teeth are crooked in the exact same way
- We both had a dog growing up
- We both love the same music
- We both have the exact same taste in art
- We both have the same ideas about interior decorating
- We both love to travel
- We both wear glasses
- We both love rice and beans
- We’ve both suffered the same abdominal pains at the exact same time
- And so far, on three separate occasions, we both shared the exact same dream
- The Flirt
- The Videotape
- The Bench
Our prayers together are made up of beautiful words of praise thanking our Father in Heaven for finally bringing us together. It was as if we’re truly "finally" together… as if we had been searching, and searching, expecting to find each other. We did. Our souls are locked in place. One night we were so "into" how much we loved each other, that we felt as if our souls were actually touching each other and meeting each other. It was such a profound experience, that we decided that I should write about it the next day. We’ve had different experiences, but never the same spiritual experience again. It was the most beautiful memory I’ve had to this date. Truly extraordinary, and not of this world.
This is what we experienced, and with words as my limitation, I tried to express just what we felt that night, the night our Souls touched…,
More than Love…
It was too crowded to dance… we left early. You took me to the Sun Dial place – the place where you gave me my engagement ring. It was so romantic… so beautiful… so perfect. I loved every second of it, and I was loving you from the bottom of my heart, with all my heart.
I wished I could describe in words how much I wanted to thank you, for wanting to be my husband. I felt so honored, so undeserving, so bewildered, and so loved, all at the same time. I looked into your beautiful eyes, smiled, just knowing that we would be spending the rest of our exciting and wonderful lives together, sharing every thrilling and not so thrilling moment together, until the day we die.
"We would die together." You said later that night. "I will only be seconds after you, I was thinking the same. I would hate to die without you next to me, dying with me.
It was a normal night, every night... nothing extraordinary happened that day… I remember, we had gotten into a small argument about something or another… and we resolved it…
I remember fixing you breakfast that morning…
It was a special, very special evening. But this time, it was more than love…
You started telling me how much you loved me… over and over and over again. You inhaled my every breath, I inhaled your essence, and your very "being"…
Making love at this point was so miniscule and small, compared to what we were sharing. We were more than just loving, we were one person, becoming the other.
You continued to whisper beautiful words in my ear, in Spanish, and in English. Words of love, adoration, and commitment to me. I told you the same, and added my complete and total devotion to you, and only you, from now till the day we die. "No, not until the day we die, until ‘after’ we die. I want to be with you forever, and that includes after we die." You said to me so determined.
I completely agreed, and made my commitment and devotion to you past death. Death is not even a boundary for our love. Death is simply another step, another door we’ll pass through together, holding hands, and loving each other the entire journey.
No argument, no disillusion, no obstacle will ever get in the way of our incredible love for each other. The passion and innocence we share between each other is our own. No one else can touch it, nothing else comes close.
My love for you is so pure, so white, and so sweet. I am your sanctuary, your temple, your escape and refuge. My body is yours - all yours, and no one else’s. I am completely yours, always and forever. How did we do it before we met? How could we have survived without each other for so long? I can’t even imagine my life without you anymore. You’re such a big part of me now, that I can’t even remember what it was like without you.
We both realized it that night. We completely gave each other not only our bodies, but this time, our souls. We were both so "in tune" with each other, kissing, loving, holding, and touching, ever so lovingly, and warmly.
We became one, together, in something much more powerful than love. The emotions we felt for each other were the strongest we’ve ever shared since. I wanted to become you, and you wanted to melt inside of me, becoming me. It was as if we both wanted to "be" each other.
It is an incredible feeling, to love someone so much, that you want to become a part of their minds, bodies, and souls. There is nothing second best. There is nothing that comes close. Our souls touched that evening. We just know they did. We both had tears in our eyes from the emotion of it all.
I love you so much Raul Santiago. I’m yours, and yours forever, past death, and into the unknown.
I feel cheated with just a good-night kiss, or a normal touch of the hand without looking into your eyes, and understanding, that, I need to see your eyes. That night, in the darkness, we saw past our eyes, and went deep into each other’s souls. That night, we touched each other’s souls, and felt a feeling, no words could possibly describe. That night, we made more than love.
We’ve shared dreams as well. Raul is so incredibly sensitive to me, that he is able to mentally enter into my dreams. I was dreaming that I was flirting with someone, and Raul woke up very upset. He told me he had a dream that I was flirting with some guy right in front of him. We also had a time where we both were just about ready to fall into a deep sleep when the both of us immediately jolted and woke up. We both apologized to each other at the exact same time. I couldn’t understand why he was apologizing to me, after all, it was "I" who woke him up, and at the same time, he couldn’t understand why I was apologizing to "him", because it was "he" that had woke me up. I asked him why he jolted like that… what was his dream. He told me that he was dreaming that he tripped over a bench. To my astonishment, I had tripped over a bench as well! Except that my bench was a lime green, and his was brown.
Another element of how close we are is when I recently had a hip injury that was slowly getting worse. We went to Sportsman’s Lodge, and I didn’t dance the entire night. I was just sitting down chatting with friends and selling raffle tickets. Raul was off dancing the entire night away. In the car on the way home, I felt completely satisfied, as if it was "I" who danced the entire evening. I literally felt like I had gotten my "fix" that night – and I didn’t even dance! The same thing happened at the Boathouse. We went dancing, and my hip was bothering me again. I decided to sit it out again, and do some work on my laptop. I found it completely satisfying just watching Raul dance all afternoon, and into the evening. Feeling his moist face with my hand gave me the same feeling as if it were my own face that I was caressing, and wiping off the sweat from dancing so much. Now folks, you have to understand something. I NEVER SIT DOWN AT CLUBS. I am CONSTANTLY OUT THERE, getting my fix on that dance floor. Before, if I couldn’t dance, or hurt myself, or something happened to where I couldn’t dance, I would just LEAVE out of frustration. But now, with Raul out there, I’m living vicariously through him, in everything he does.
May 11th, 1999
Our Own Private Little Wedding Ceremony, Just Between the Two of Us
After our traumatic experiences with our dreams, I decided to comfort you and make a complete commitment to you. You bought my engagement ring, but felt empty without one of your own. I had one, but you didn’t. Like looking at yourself in a mirror, you needed the feeling of a ring on your finger as well. We both agreed you should also have one, but tradition clearly says that the groom gets his ring on his wedding day. "Let’s get married then!" I said to you. "I want to have a ceremony, just between you and I." So we did just that. We both got dressed up in white, drove to Virginia Falls, and exchanged vows. I typed up my devotional vows to you the night before, and read the following words to you as tears filled my eyes. This is exactly what I wrote word for word, without one correction.
"I love you Raul. Just as we promised those would be the last words out of our mouths before we sleep, and the first words when we awake, I’m starting this devotion to you, with the words, "I love you.". From this day on, these are the first words of the rest of our lives together. These will also be the last words we speak to each other when we depart from this earth. I promise you this.
Today is the day for new beginnings. As God had created each day for us to start over again, you and I are starting fresh with a new and pure commencement that will last forever. Today is the beginning of the rest of our lives.
A million thoughts race through my head as I try to explain in words just how much I love, respect, and honor you Raul. You have made me whole, strong, and complete. When I look into your eyes, I see the love of God shine through. Your warmth, patience and peaceful attitude fills up my heart and swells my eyes with tears.
I love you Raul. I love you with all my heart, soul, spirit, and mind. Let today be the day we start our lives "as one", together. May our love grow more and more each day, and reach new levels every year while on this earth. May we continue to pray and thank God our Father every day for the wonderful Blessings He’s bestowed upon us. Blessings of talent, energy, vitality, encouragement, and love… not only for each other, but for all whom we will meet and touch in our journey through life.
I love you Raul, from the bottom of my heart. My love for you is as deep as the deepest ocean, and as pure as a newborn done. My love for you is as white as a sheet, honest, and true. I will never lie to you my love. I will always be hones tan true to you. I promise, I will never leave you, nor ever take off the ring you’ve given me as a symbol of our devotion to each other. From deep within, I feel your presence inside of my inner being. Our souls have touched… let today be the day where they join together, and become one.
From this day on, I will forget my past. Through prayer, God will honor our commitment and devotion to each other. From this day on, I will no longer look back and remember. I will only look to the future with you my love, taking only hard lessons learned form the past, and applying them for the benefit of each other. From this day on, I had no past, and there is nothing to say about it.
From this day on, I am as pure as fresh snow, and honest. I am your sanctuary… your place of peace, and rest. I will always be there for you Raul, and will take care of you. I will never leave, nor doubt you. I will always support you, back you, and defend you. I will respect, honor, and obey you. That is my wish, and my loving commitment to you, form the bottom of my heart. Protect me my love. I’m yours forever, and ever.
I love you.
Your Devoted Wife,
Edie
Looking back, I couldn’t believe I actually wrote all that, within about ten minutes. I didn’t even have to re-word or edit anything. It just started flowing so naturally. I re-read it today, and still find it astounding.
I slipped the ring on your finger, we felt each others tears touch each others lips as we kissed. We were finally married in God’s eyes. He even provided witnesses to our ceremony as curious onlookers peered over the rocks to witness two people dressed in white from head to toe, both holding each other. It was absolutely beautiful.
Wherever You do, I will Go too…
Last year, my mom gave me a beautiful tape of recorded music. There was a song on that tape she played for me one evening. The words went something like this…"Wherever you go, I will go too. Wherever you are, there I shall be. Wherever you die, I will be right there by your side." She told me that she heard it at a wedding. She also told me that I should feel very comfortable giving this to the man I am to spend the rest of my life with. I was dating someone else prior to you, and I just couldn’t get myself enough nerve to let him listen to this tape. There was no way he was going with me all over the world, dancing and performing.
A couple of months after I met you, I found the tape. I played it for you, and like the two of us, the words fit "us" a glove… I had no problems sharing this special song tape with you. In fact, I couldn't wait!!!
The Rainbows after the Storms…
Unfortunately, I wish I could tell you that our relationship is "argument-proof", but it’s not. Our arguments are absolute hell on earth. Never before have I experienced so much joy, and then so much pain at the same time. When we argue, it’s as if our spirits are separated by an eternally deep valley the size of the Universe itself. Our souls are what we share and find spiritual joy in. When we argue or upset each other, it seems the ENTIRE WORLD is about ready to collapse and explode. Both of us just feel like DYING... We’ve often told each other, "Didn’t you just feel like dying? Didn’t you just want to END IT ALL, say good-bye forever, and get it all over with?" I HATE IT when we argue, or have problems. I guess we both hate disappointing each other. When it happens, it hurts as if someone has just stabbed a knife in our guts. It’s really bad.
But the joy and happiness we share 99% of the time makes us realize that these arguments or differences help us learn more about each other and eventually bring us closer together. They make us realize that our love is worth fighting for. The arguments or bickering make us appreciate the beautiful times we share, and keeps our deep love in perspective.
Just as you can’t have a rose without thorns, a storm without a rainbow, the sky without the stars, or Salsa without dancing, you can’t have Raul without Edie…