Off-Beat Support

OFFBEAT

Support Group...

Is Your Partner a Non-Dancer or Off-Beat...?

What a nightmare....you're dancing partner or life partner doesn't know the rhythm. OR, your life partner doesn't dance, and you've got the Salsa Bug Addiction...

"Excuse me, but what BEAT are you on???"

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WHAT DO YOU DO
????

Well, several things. You could brow beat, and force them into Salsa Submission by pushing them to take classes, or you could just call your going out till all hours of the night, your "aerobics session". Or, you could get a divorce, and swear your next spouse will be a dancer of at least some sort... All of the above are what I did.

You can also check out our video and CD section at www.dancefreak.com for all the info on a brand new Timing CD I recently made. It's GREAT!!! I highly recommend it!

Whatever you decide, I want to hear about it. If you're having problems, write me about it. I've been through two situations myself. My life partner, who refused to dance or go dancing with me, which, I'll have to tell you the story when I get a chance to write about it...

.....and my former dance partner, who is a self-admitting off-beater, but an awesome dancer. How did I deal with it? Read on...

I encourage those of you out there to please write. We need this support group. I'm finding more and more people and mail on the subject, and together, as one, we can get over it!!!

"Dear Edie,
What happens when the guy you're dancing with goes off the beat of the music, and doesn't follow the rhythm? Do you follow him or what?
- Curious

Dear Curious,
A guy asks you to dance. You accept. You start the first step, and within seconds you realize he's not dancing to the beat. What do you do? You could do one of three things:

Let's talk about #1.
If the guy sees that you are dancing to a different rhythm than what HE hears, you will both subconsciously fight to see who leads who. You both will run into each other, and have a less than desirable experience. The woman will eventually win this little fiasco because the guy will basically let her. He will chalk this up as a terrible experience, and move on. Men have been taught that the woman should follow; they take it as, no matter what. If the woman doesn't follow him, he will think she's impossible to maneuver and control. He will think she's not following the rules. This is a problem when the woman knows the rhythm, and the man does not. If the man doesn't know the rhythm of Salsa, his ego will not allow any woman to show or tell him that. He will just think she doesn't know jack, and not dance with her again. He'll tell all his friends she's impossible to dance with, and a terrible dancer. Even if she's a great dancer with other men, he will assume that she can only dance with certain men, and is inflexible to dance with anyone else. Some women prefer this. If to never dance off the rhythm is your objective, then you must realize that you are limiting yourself to only dancing with certain dancers - the elite, the best. You will lock yourself in with these dancers only, and when they don't show up at a club one evening, or are so busy dancing with other women, you will not have a very good time - especially if there are so few of them to go around. They will spoil you with their smooth as silk leads, and you will miss out on a lot of potentials out there that would make each night more enjoyable than the last.

This is your choice. All I know, is that when a guy doesn't follow the rhythm, he truly does not know nor understand it. I honestly feel sorry for them. They place more emphasis on getting the moves and tricks right, playing traffic cop, and keeping the girl interested, than they do on the rhythm. There are people that literally cannot hear the rhythm nor beat of any music - much less Salsa. They try and try, and listen, and listen, and still, cannot hear where the "1" is, much less where the "2" is. Some people will just NEVER get it. This is a sad fact. They are "tone deaf" to the beat of Salsa. They may do a Merengue or Cha Cha fine, but for some reason the rhythm of Salsa is not "heard" by everyone in the same way.

I've had the experience of dancing with men, where they have been dancing for YEARS, and still don't know where the rhythm is. They know all the moves, the tricks, the dips, the flips..... but they just never, never get the rhythm. They think they have to follow a certain instrument. The problem with that is, that the instruments can change so often in the middle of the song. Don't fall into listening for specific instruments. This will throw you off when they stop playing. You need to hear the pulse of the music. the underlying tone and catch the beginnings of phrases or voices. Salsa is an eight-count, but we dance to a six count. 1,2,3 pause, 4,5,6 pause. Or if you dance on the two, it's pause, 2, 3, 4, pause 6, 7, 8 pause. It's difficult to describe in words, but I understand that Eddie Torres has a tape on how to hear the rhythm of Salsa.

For women who don't hear the rhythm, it's not so bad because the guy leads them into the rhythm. We can get away with it - the guy unfortunately can't. My instructor, Luis Vazquez NEVER let me get away with it. When I used to dance with him at a club, and get offbeat, he would point his finger to his ear. That would be my signal basically saying, "Edie, you're off...." I hated that, but it was the truth, and it worked.

So if you want to make an enemy out of the guy you're dancing with, back lead him into the rhythm, and force him to step with you. He'll never ask you to dance again.

Let's talk about #2
If you see the guy is not dancing to the rhythm, it is VERY RUDE to just say "Thank you" and walk off. Number one, this shows that you have zero tolerance, are "Holier Than Thou", are extremely picky, and you will be considered, and thought of, as a complete bitch. You will really hurt his feelings and destroy his ego. Remember ladies, "revenge is sweet" because one day, if he finally DOES get it, and becomes a phenomenal dancer in the process, he will remember what you did to him. Men don't forget - ANYTHING.

Another thing this does is discourage budding Salseros. We want Salsa to grow, not shrink. I've spoken to men in the past who told me they "gave up" on Salsa because the women were bitches and it was too hard to dance to. This saddens my heart to hear that.

Men have told me that, if you aren't awesome, the women don't want to dance with them. This couldn't be further than the truth, but this is obviously the way they feel, and must feel that way for a reason. They must have had a terrible experience and their egos won't let them forget it. It's a personal problem I know, but one that could be prevented if handled with sympathy, apathy, and compassion by a woman. Woman have a big influence over men. Men have told me that there is nothing more wonderful than a woman helping him out a little when he's learning. We need to encourage men, not destroy them. This is supposed to be fun, REMEMBER? Don't forget where you came from ladies, you weren't always awesome.... Yes, you too sucked when you started.

Remember ladies, what goes around, comes around. The only time you should ever leave a guy in the middle of a song is:

Now, let's discuss #3.
Ladies, I hate saying this, but you've GOT to bloom where you're planted.

My partner and I have won six competitions. He has no rhythm. He doesn't know where "1" is, nor "2", ... sometimes I think he dances on the five....

Another professional Salsa dancer friend of mine has also won major competitions, and her partner doesn't know where the "1" or "2" is either. Why? How is this possible? What were the judges thinking about?

I'll tell you how we did it. WE JUST FOLLOW THEM, NO MATTER WHAT. I've had countless women come up to me and ask how I can "look so good" with "so and so", because they just can't dance with them. They look terrible with everybody else, but with me, they look awesome! My former partner and I have won countless competitions due to him "knowing" where the "peaks" are in the music. He would be "right on" those peaks, which would give the "illusion" of us being on the rhythm. Ha! Fooled the judges, but after a while they caught on. I had NO CHOICE but to follow him, because he would PULL me into the move, but not always the perfect time....

I FOLLOW my man, no matter what. I stop thinking about the music, the rhythm, the beat, the lyrics, everything. I just concentrate on him, duplicating his style, and most of all, concentrate on making him look good at all costs. I know guys, some of you are thinking �Well that's my job, I'm supposed to make the woman look good. Well I'm hear to tell you that it also can work beautifully in reverse. I've seen it done, and have done it myself.

When I see a guy is off beat, I basically give up all hope for the remainder of the song, and make him look as good as possible. This is the woman's job. This is also the man's job. You are supposed to BOTH look good on the dance floor, compliment each other, not fight, nor end up with one partner completely stealing the show.

I've had to learn this the hard way. I tried back-leading, I tried going to the back and clapping to the rhythm with them, I've tried sitting down and explaining the rhythm, I've tried the basic with them over, and over, and over again, I've written it out, I've sung it for them, I've tried stepping with them to the beat.... everything. For some people, NOTHING works. I don't fight it anymore. After I dance with a guy off-beat, I always ask him, "do you want to learn the rhythm, because I noticed you were off." If he gets insulted fine. If he doesn't, I'll spend time with him. Of course, I'm the exception, not the rule.

One word of caution. Make sure you dance with other people who truly know the rhythm often. If your partner is the type who doesn't know the beat, you will develop very bad habits, and without even realizing it will end up off-beat with other men you dance with. This tragedy happened to me. After about a year with my partner, I danced with my former instructor. He told me I kept getting "off beat", and said I used to dance better before... AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

So if you can't beat them, join them - temporarily. Keep dancing with many, many men that DO follow the beat, and follow them,

"Dear Edie,
I read your story and found it most interesting because I am in a situation somewhat similar to yours. My partner and I have been dancing salsa for a little over a year, we have horrible fights. We have participated in local competitions and have won, but I think this is because our audience is mostly anglo. I would like to improve my salsa dancing but I can't find qualified salsa teachers or professionals in my area, and my partner can't hear the music, I am his ears!. I need a good partner but they are hard to find. I love dancing so much that I feel confident that if I had a good partner, I would choreograph my own dancing and come up with my own moves. I feel the music inside of me. Any suggestions besides just "keep dancing"? "
- Tolerating my off-beater

….may not want to hear this. In fact, if you are in any of the above categories, you have exactly five seconds to stop reading this right now, go to the next question, surf to another page, or turn off your computer.

I don’t want to get ANY NASTY-GRAMS about this subject
from ANYONE.
UNDERSTOOD?

…..did all the weak-at-heart, compassionate, immature young adults leave yet? Ready?

Sister, you are hanging on to a clouded, fogged-up dream. If he hasn’t gotten the rhythm by now, there is a 99.999999% probability he will NEVER get it.

I’m telling you this based on my own experience and also because you say you have "horrible fights". So did we. Looking back at what I went through, how I dealt with it, the pain and agony I suffered over this man, how sick I got, and how much control he had over me, it’s JUST NOT WORTH IT. Come on! What happened to the fun? This is supposed to be "fun" remember? Who cares if you’ve won competitions. Consider them beautiful memories now…..so what more do you want? It’s time to move on to the next stage of your life. It’s over. Now it’s time to find yourself and GROW. Stay friends with him, continue dancing socially, but stop practicing and competing with him. You’re going to ruin your growth as a dancer.

Have you ever heard the saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come." You don’t see any other good potentials out there (instructors nor partners) because you’ve been so focused on your current off-beater. They have a way of taking up incredible mind space because they have become your "project". You find yourselves picking faster songs because you don’t want the audience to notice he’s off. You have to choreograph your routines so precisely as to hit each peak of the music perfectly, because he can’t stay on beat and just "land" there naturally. You spend four times as long coming up with a routine to fit the music - rather than just working on moves to go between your free-style dancing. You come up with these incredible moves so as to hide the fact you can’t dance on the beat. In fact, he is more fascinated with new moves than working on his rhythm. You get annoyed at the fact that he could really care less about the rhythm, and when you back-lead him into it at a club, he gets pissed off and leaves you standing there alone in the middle of the dance floor. You can’t wait to dance with people other than HIM at a nightclub just to get the taste of good rhythm back in your mouth again… and when he shows up, in the back of your mind, just HOPE he doesn’t ask you to dance

I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!! What a nightmare! I lived it! I lived an absolute Salsa nightmare!

Suggestion? After you dump him, keep your eyes open and go find three or four other partners you truly enjoy dancing with. Compete and do shows with each one. Don’t be so regimented with each that you can’t be flexible. If you stick with your off-beater, your dancing will suffer and your creativity will stagnate. Besides, if you’re as good as you say you are, you should know by now that it’s the woman that most people watch on the floor 80% of the time anyway. You should be able to make ANY guy look great, even a beginner.

I had to finally leave my former partner after over a year of competing, fighting, and performing in shows together. The wonderful thing is that I now have 2-3 real good partners that I compete and do shows with, and they all know each other! I do different tricks with each one of them, and we all have a blast together! Come competition time, I’ll choose whoever I get along the best with. If none of them want to compete, then there are many other irons in the fire. I want to make sure I continue having a blast at my "hobby" of Salsa dancing, and not make it stressful, or intolerable. I’m sorry, but life is too short to suffer through horrible fights with an off-beater. What a nightmare. Get rid of him. Dump him. Move on. Take a chance. You WON’T regret it. Trust me.

"Dear Edie,
I have a major problem. My life partner is a competent dancer but lacks confidence and when I try to help her improve we end up having arguments on the dance floor as she claims I'm too much of a perfectionist and that I take it too seriously. I have several female friends with whom I have a good spontaneous rapport on the dance floor where we're able to be really creative, sometimes exciting and even magic. I know my partner would never reach that standard as she is not as addicted as I am.

My dance partners have husbands or boyfriends back at home who allow them space to practice their art as I suppose their relationships are secure enough. I am unable to convince my partner that my relationship with these other ladies is restricted to the dance floor only and the reason why I sometimes go out without her is because she's unable to disguise her jealousy when she sees me dancing well with somebody else.

It's started to cause problems in our relationship. What do you suggest?
- Just Trying to Help"

Dear Just Trying to Help,
It took me quite some time to think about your letter to me. I asked many of my personal dance buddies, both male and female, both married, and unmarried, about what THEY would do in your situation. Many of them had great ideas, and I incorporated them in the following response I have for you. Thanks for such a great question. There are literally thousands out there who are going through the same "partner hell" you are, and I'm one of them. Here is my response...Some of the advice I give may sound radical and
harsh, but believe me, if you truly love each other, please do as I say. The results will be phenomenal.

First of all, you need to be VERY THANKFUL that your life partner even DANCES with you, and enjoys dancing, in one form or another, whether they are addicted like you or not. Can you imagine if your partner hated to dance all together? Can you imagine going out by yourself each night, while they stayed at home sitting on their butts, getting fat, watching TV... or worse, while they went to different clubs and bars by themselves?

The problems you are having are typical of people who are married. Picture this. You're in your car, driving down the road, you almost hit a car, but you manage to avoid a terrible accident. You're proud you were able to pull it off and get you and your life partner out of a potentially life-threatening situation using your expert driving skills. You glance over at your life partner, looking for approval, and all she can give you is "that look".

WE ALL KNOW "THE LOOK". "The look" - as if YOU were the one that almost caused the accident, and YOU are the one with the driving problem.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, your life partner decides to correct your driving skills, telling you what you did WRONG, and how you SHOULD HAVE done this or that, and "Next time honey..."

THAT, my friend is EXACTLY what we feel like when we being corrected or "taught to improve" on the dance floor. It's a blow to our egos, and gets us very defensive, upset, and mildly angry.

99.9% of the time, it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to correct our life partner's mistakes AT ANYTHING, including dancing - without a fight or argument of some sort. All types of excuses will start pouring out of their mouths. "You're too perfect" is one of them. "You take things too seriously" is another. Your partner is trying to protect their pride. They are more than likely a bit intimidated with your dancing, and feel that they cannot measure up against other dancers you enjoy dancing with. This gives them a feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. It will happen first on the dance floor, then if not stopped, flow into other aspects of your relationship as well.

Once you've had sex with your dance partner, that's it. ALL SORTS of expectations between the two of you start creeping up while dancing. You probably love each other, are great in bed, and at everything else... so why can't you "sync it together" in dancing? What's the problem here???? What happened?

What's worse, is when your partner sees you dancing with others. This situation just magnifies the whole problem. I've seen perfectly great
couples split up over dancing quarrels and nonsense jealousy. Jealousy that was completely unfounded, and dreamed up by the other. Jealousy will destroy a perfectly great relationship. Watch out for it. It is deadly. It's poison. It is a killer, and its sting can be mentally damaging, and last a lifetime.

My suggestion to you? If you are a guy, start (as soon as possible) making GOOD friends with the other "good dancer" guys at the clubs. Have as many of your new "male" friends dance with her as much as possible. Throw her to the wolves so-to-speak. She'll enjoy every minute of it - trust me. Dance together with her, maybe 15% of the entire evening. Make long lasting good buddies with her new partners. If you are a woman, do the same thing, except from a female side. I encourage dancers to mix in with all the other dancers in the entire nightclub if possible, and ALWAYS dance with a different partner EACH AND EVERY song.

Avoid dancing with the same person all the time. When there are not enough different dancers to go around for an entire evening, start over from the top of the list, and work your way through a second time. Include your life partner on that list as well. Buy your partner drinks, laugh (force yourself to smile if you have to), pretend you are enjoying yourself, fake it, and 4-sure joke around.

Never, never, never whine, complain, try to help, correct, hint, or give any indication that you care about his/her improvement on the dance floor. People dance to get rid of the day's frustrations. Dancers dance to let loose - not to be told what to do, and how to improve. If they want that kind of advice while dancing, they normally will accept it only in a class setting, social dance (NY), practice party (LA), or practicing at home - ANYWHERE outside the nightclub.

There is nothing more unnerving to dancers than other dancers trying to correct them or talk to them, or interrupt them in the middle of a great song or intimate moment. You will never know when that special moment will be for your partner. You cannot read their minds, only their eyes. Focus on their eyes. Smile, wink, flirt with your life partner - NOT your joe-standard, love to dance with partners. Dancing with your life partner should be sexy, erotic, fun, a tease, and very memorable. Who cares about perfection if you're concentrating so much on each other, swaying to the rhythm as one person...

Dance floor moments like those are truly magical. We can all make them happen if we lighten up, pay attention to our partner's eyes, and simply let "ourselves" become one with them.

"Dear Edie,
I'm so glad I surfed and surfed the web until I finally found salsaweb.com! I never knew there was so much information for salsa freaks like me, by salsa freaks like you. I was reading your "Off beat" letters of concern regarding people who have no rhythm. My story is similar and would like some advice.

About 2 years ago I began learning salsa. My boyfriend knew a little more than I did, so we went to a Grupo Niche dance (I'd never heard of the group at the time) in [my city] and basic-stepped our way through the night. It didn't take me long to get the latest moves down behind my boyfriend's back; I would practice with my older brother every time we had the chance. I was a fast learner, by brother said, because I was a good follower.

Soon after I began clubbing and got more practice in (still all behind my man's back). This past summer was a disaster. We decided to go to this salsa club together for the first time. I danced a salsa, merengue, and cumbia with him, and then I became very frustrated with his not knowing how to turn me, also he was off beat. I became bitchy and refused to dance the rest of the night. There were times when I tried to lead him but he wouldn't conform. I absolutely dreaded going clubbing with him, the night would always end miserably: I, unsatisfied and bored, he, embarrassed and jealous. One night at a club other men started asking me to dance because they probably thought me and my boyfriend were just friends (we were just sitting there watching everyone on the dance floor). Without thinking, I offered my hand to one man, then pulled it back, looking at my boyfriend for approval. I saw the look on his face and then told the man no thank you. That was the final straw. We got into a big fight that night. We came to a compromise that I could go clubbing with my female friends, and that he and I would stay away from clubs all together.

The point is I want to dance with him; he's practically my fiance and I think it would be so wonderful if he knew how to move me. He once suggested that I teach him but that's impossible. I have no patience whatsoever, and plus, it's extremely difficult for the women to teach the men TURNS! What do you suggest? That he take private lessons? I can't take them with him because presently we're apart from each other (I'm at school away from home). I don't want to keep going out without him, I want him
to learn. Please help.

P.S. Thank you for the tips on how to get away from a no-rhythm dancer. I figured out that maybe I have been a bitch to many men and should be more flexible to different men's dancing styles--no matter how OFF BEAT!:)
- Impatient"

Dear Impatient,
If you really want this man, AND your dancing, this is what you will have to do, to have your cake and eat it too:

This will sound rather HARSH, but it's the only way it will work between you two. Have him take PRIVATE lessons 2-3 hours per week from a VERY GOOD male dancer for the next 2 months. Meanwhile, you stay away from the club scene, and have him show you what he learned on occasion. NEVER CORRECT HIM, NEVER CORRECT HIM, NEVER CORRECT HIM - only if he asks you to - you may teach him slightly wrong or different from his instructor, and you don't want to catch hell for it later on. During this two month period, and for three months after, he must go clubbing without you, as often as possible - at LEAST 3-4 nights per week. He's GOT to get good at dancing with everyone else BUT YOU for the next 5 months. NEVER CORRECT HIM on the dance floor. His ego is at stake here. Start correcting him via his instructors or friends - without telling him you did it. He will treat you like a queen if you dance with him and never complain - just enjoy the ride, have fun, laugh, and be happy that he's EVEN THERE with you. Don't take anything for granted. Nothing. Appreciate his efforts to at least try.

This may also be a test of your patience. Obviously, you've been made aware of just how "bitchy" you can be. Admitting it, is 50% of improving upon it. You now know more about yourself based on the statement: "....I became bitchy and refused to dance the rest of the night. There were times when I tried to lead him but he wouldn't conform. I absolutely dreaded going clubbing with him, the night would always end miserably: I, unsatisfied and bored, he, embarrassed and jealous. " When taken out of context, it is more evident where YOU need to improve... your head.

Both of you have GOT to keep one thing in mind. 99.9% of the time, your life partner WILL NOT be your favorite dance partner. He/she will be just average and in your mind, "never good enough". Why? You will expect more from them on the dance floor then they can possibly give - only because the both of give each other more outside of the relationship in everything else in life - hence the reason why you love each other so much.

We automatically "assume" our partners can do the same for us or give us the same feelings when dancing together. This is simply not the case.

He will not think of you as his favorite dance partner either. Like you, there will always be another woman or women he prefers dancing with. Keep in mind, he will prefer just "dancing" with her - that's it. She may be his favorite dance partner, but he would NEVER want to actually sleep with her or develop a relationship with her like he has with you. He may think about it (he's a man... come on!!!) but 99.9% of the time, it won't happen. Like you, I'm sure you have danced with other men that lead you like butter, swept you off your feet, put you through some spins and turns on the dance floor that made you want to have a cigarette after the song... but would you REALLY consider sleeping with them? Or even marrying them? Be brutaly honest with yourself. He will go through the same thoughts. It's a fact of life. We're all human. Fantasizing vs doing are two entirely different things. You've got to develop trust in a relationship - the test of that trust is on the dance floor.

The men that you love dancing with have had years and years of experience. It will take THAT LONG for your life partner to be THAT GOOD - and additionally, ONLY if he really wants it as bad as they did. You need to remember that there is more to him that you are attracted to than dance. It will be hard to keep this in mind, especially when the Salsa fever takes over and it's all you can think about. If you can accept this in your mind, you will have a phenomenal relationship together, and a long lasting one. Studies have proven that couples who lasted the longest together throughout their lives have one thing in common.

Dear Salsa Freak,
I have just started private Salsa lessons. The challenge I am having is that my wife is now quite an accomplished dancer. The truth is that I just took two classes with her when she started about two years ago, she begged me to go, but because I didn't like "Salsa" at the time, I quit, and told her never to invite me to a club, because I didn't like the "scene". Well, now I never see her anymore, we're having problems, and I thought I may need to start taking a few Salsa lessons.

What I need to know is when should I start trying to dance with the accomplished dancers that I know, including her. It seems as though unless it is a private lesson the high-end dancers don't want to waste their time with people that aren't great yet. We can't show them off as well. When and where should I go to dance in public? Should I go and just watch the foot work? When should I start trying other steps? Why is it that so many great dancers don't really even use the "Basic Step"?
A True Salsa Freak Fan.

Dear Salsa Freak Fan,
You've asked a ton of questions, let me see if I can answer them one at a time.
It's too bad that you didn't start with your wife when you were too busy being bull-headed and proud about "Salsa Dancing" to begin with. You two could have grown together and been partners. Sometimes we must sacrifice for our spouses, especially if it means she will be in the arms of many a handsome man every evening while you're at home watching television.

But the past is past, and now you're trying to make up for it. I can see why. She probably looks gorgeous as she walks out that door, waiting to be in the arms of 100 different men that evening. I'm sure it just kills her to just leave you at home, but then again, why didn't you go? I know, I know, it's all in the past.

Hmmmm. What do you do now? You've decided to take lessons. If I were you, I would take private lesson after private lesson after private lesson, then go dancing to places where she is NOT GOING. You will know that you are "ready" when a high-end dancer (that you don't know very well) will dance with you more than once in one evening. You'll need to go out at least 5 nights a week for about 4-5 months to touch your wife's level at this point (as you can see, you're a little late...).

If you insist on dancing with her now, both of you will have an absolutely miserable time. You will be miserable because you aren't "getting it", and she will be miserable having to teach you while all her other friends are giving her weird looks, dancing the night away, and having a blast without her. Nobody will be used to this. Her friends will wonder why she's not dancing with them, she will want to go balls-out and just "dance", but will feel obligated to doing the "Basic" with you. Even if she does dance with someone else, the weight of your stare will prohibit her from letting herself go, and just having fun. She will subconsciously feel guilty for allowing another man to touch her while you just sit there and watch.

I know this is tough news for you, but it's the bottom-line truth. You will get jealous, and leave frustrated. She will feel guilty, and leave unfulfilled. You've got to learn on your own. You've got to pay the price like she did. And most of all, you've got to do this for YOU, and not for her. Your going to clubs at this beginner stage will be like "invading her space". She probably got real "good" because she went out A LOT without you. Now this has become her own "private aerobics class", and your coming in at a beginner level will frustrate and maybe even embarrass her.

Keep in mind that accomplished dancers - especially if they are not full-time teachers - are NOT INTERESTED in teaching beginners at the club. They are there to RELIEVE the day's frustrations and forget about LIFE for a while - not worry about making sure you "get it". They want to be lead, not LEAD.

They had to start somewhere, so they started at the bottom, and rose to the top, very slowly, some faster than others, but they were just as frustrated as you in the beginning. We ALL had to pay the price. There are NO SHORTCUTS. You've got to pay the price, you've got to keep going, you've got to pick yourself up when you fall, and just keep at it, and keep at it, and keep at it, night after night, week after week, until one day it FINALLY all comes together. That day is a rejoice to us all.

My advice to you is this. Take as many privates as you can afford (if you're a guy, take the majority of your privates from a man). Dance with the teacher as often as possible. Take privates from as many different instructors as you can. You can go to "beginners" clubs.. Also, you can ask around if there are any "practice parties" or aerobics classes that use Salsa music and the Basic Step as part of the Aerobics session.

But the bottom line is that you must dance with many, many, many different women to get good. Start dancing with the beginners, and on occasion, dance with a good dancer, like your teacher. Just, go, go, go, and go with confidence. Confidence is the most important aspect of dancing. More important than steps and turns. Remember that. Then, after about 6-7 months of doing all the above, you can confidently go up to your wife, and ask her for a dance, and completely blow her away...

About accomplished dancers not dancing the "basic". In any style of dancing, once you get to a certain level, the basic step really doesn't look "basic" anymore. People do so many variations that it's virtually impossible to distinguish after a while. You'll see what I mean after about the first 5 months. Sure, you can go to clubs and hang and just watch footwork, but I suggest you do footwork with your instructor. He or she will show you new steps and moves as they see you progress. If you don't progress, they won't either.

Set a goal for yourself and write it down. You can read about how I got started. There I talk about my struggles and frustrations, and how I did whatever it took to get good. It was not easy, but it was definitely worth the price I paid. You have GOT to love the music, the people, the scene, the crowd, the atmosphere, the club, the band... everything. It must be "you".

If you've analyzed the whole thing after a good solid month or so, and it's still, just not "you", then don't waste your time. Go find another wife.