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Dance Partner Tips

Dear Edie,

My dance partner is an accomplished, professional dance instructor.  He / she is also my spouse/significant other.  When he/she teaches others how to dance, he/she is very patient and kind, even loving and thoughtful.  But when it comes to working and training ME, they turn into an evil, unkind, unsightly, impatient, @$$#! 
Why is that?

Dear "Evil, Unkind, Unsightly, and Impatient... <smile>,"
Complacency and comfort in your relationship is normal.  You’re both fabulous under the sheets, so expectations outside of the sheets soar through the roof.  Teaching our significant others to do ANYTHING outside of sex is virtually impossible.  It’s much better and healthier for the both of you to get even the simplest of instruction from someone else – ANYONE else.  However sometimes there just isn’t enough time, or resources to do so.  Here are a few suggestions you both can do to treat each other like normal human beings who are not “involved” with each other:

TO THE “STUDENT”: 

Wear a hat or certain outfit while learning.  When your “instructor”/lover sees you in this, it is your signal that you are the student, and they should treat you with that respect.  This signifies your absolute acceptance to submit to their professional instruction.  It conveys the fact that you will follow their every word with no if’s, and’s, or but’s.  No excuses, no complaints, no comparisons, no suggestions, no sly remarks, no reminders of any pasts, no arguing, no clearing your throat, no stealing kisses, no copping feels, no dirty looks… nothing that you would ever do to a professional instructor you just met five minutes ago.  While you have that hat or piece of clothing on, this is the type respect you need to give your instructor, and he/she should also give to you. 

Call your instructor by a different, professional name.  Do not use their normal name.  Make one up that both of you like.  A salutation such as “Mrs. or Mr. Smith” is always a good idea for professional respect. 

Write down your goals and objectives for the hour.   Every time you take a private lesson with your professional instructor, you should always write out what you want achieved.  This gives the instructor a very clear picture of your desires.  He or she should be professional enough to point out what is realistic and what is not within the hour, or within the set of hours agreed upon.  Each objective should be crossed off and / or recorded on video after its accomplishment. 

Pay your instructor.  Pay them their full asking, normal private lesson fee after one hour of learning.  If you wish to continue with two hours, pay them their two hour fee.  And pay them in CASH.  Do not give them an IOU, or credit card, or check, or fake money.  You want real instruction, so make them work for it.  Make them feel like they’ve truly earned it. 

Allow yourself to be controlled.  Pretty awkward sounding, isn’t it?  Being controlled is part of learning and submitting to instruction.  This is the one element that is the primary contributor to deteriorating relationships.  Trying to control or manipulate the other person can be deadly.  This is why we fight during rehearsals and loath instruction from our significant others.  The element of “control” can be incredibly unnerving, even to the most patient of partners.  Over-control gives birth to rebellion and hatred among people.  However, when playing student, being controlled by submitting to instruction is unfortunately a key part of learning anything new. 

Remember that we must ultimately choose to change.  We need to understand that there is absolutely nothing we can do to change others.  If your instructor does things differently than another instructor you experienced, submit to this hour of instruction by that particular instructor’s wishes.  For that hour, you are theirs and all ears.  Forget about everything else you’ve learned prior.  Once you’ve opened your mind to something new from someone new, the windows of possibilities are endless.  The choice is simply… yours. 

TO THE “INSTRUCTOR”: 

Set a specified time and place for the appointment.  Keep it professional.  Treat your significant other like a student you just met over the phone.  Greet them with a handshake.  Get right to the point with their goals and objectives for the hour.  Bring your own music.  Set the standard. 

Videotape the entire hour.  Make sure the video recorder is set to “on” the entire session.  Even if you don’t follow anything else I say in this column, this single act alone will prevent embarrassing blow-ups during rehearsal. 

Name your student.  Give your significant other “student” a name that you both agree on. This will keep your mind focused on treating them as a student, willing to learn. 

Wear your shoes on opposing feet.  That’s right.  Take your shoes off, and put them on the wrong feet.  YOUR shoes, not theirs.  This will be a constant silent reminder to you that you are in “instructor” mode, not dictator, impatient mode.   This has also helped me fix duck-feet problems with students.  It’s a second instructor so-to-speak.  Every time you take a step you are reminded.  Switching shoes is a fabulous trick of the trade I made up long ago when I was a cross-country runner in high school.  I had what is called a supunated foot.  (running on the outside of my feet, and partially duck-footed).  So, I switched my tennis shoes one day and found that it actually corrected my problem!  I’ve corrected many a duck-footed dancer on his way up the Beginner’s Hell ladder! 

The Element of Control.  Understand, that no matter how great of an instructor you are, you can’t change anyone; they must ultimately choose to change.  You need to understand that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change or manipulate their thinking.  They must want to change by themselves, on their own, whether on your time, or not.  You can guide them, influence them, encourage them, and lead by example, but in the end, the choice is always their own.  Remember this simple paragraph in all of life’s lessons, and you will experience a freedom unlike any other; a freedom from the bondage of control and manipulation to your way of thinking.  Remember, that your way isn’t always the right way.  It’s just your way, that’s all.  And don’t forget to take into account that… you aren’t perfect. 

Try the above a few times, and you will be surprised at how much more you will accomplish together.  Every aspect of your relationship will improve, for the better.